Yeah, I take a quick look at Clint's Xanga that says that he feels he should be updating it more often...a post from two months ago.  I chuckle to myself, then realize...damn, I haven't updated in about a month.

So I'm updating my Xanga.  For once.

Life's been rather...odd lately.  Or, more rather, I've been rather odd lately.  Odd feeling, perhaps, but overall odd.

Why is that?  Well, I suppose I could be honest.  I fear I have fallen victim to some form of depression, much more than I feared in the past.  And because of this, I may perhaps be falling into the clutches of ADHD.  w00t and stuff.

'Cause, honestly, I almost feel worse in certain ways this semester than I did a year ago.  Why is that, I couldn't tell you.  I honestly don't know.  I suppose at least then I had something to "blame" it on, y'know, the whole lack-of-Marissa thing.  But, even with Marissa here, it hasn't really helped...  And I figure that if everything appears to be going my way on the surface and I still feel horridly down, then something's wrong.

But who knows...  I sure as heck wish I knew what in the world's wrong with me.

...Something's gone from me that seemed to be with me in the past.

...I kinda wish I could just disappear from the "world" for a week or two to spend all to myself to attempt to think about things/relax/get away from computer science stuff.

Oh, yeah, random tidbit.  I've come to the conclusion that the Chemistry department likes me much more than the Computer Science department here at MTSU.  Awhile back, there were invitations sent out to most of the computer science majors to be a part of the student advisory board for the department.  All but two or three of my class got them; I didn't.  On the other hand, I was one of three to be invited to partake in being a General Chemistry Student Lab Instructor out of my honors Chemistry class.  Maybe it's a sign I should just get out of Computer Science while I can, since it's the department that really doesn't like me much...  I could switch into Chemistry...  And learn how to make stuff from nothing, y'know, MacGayver-style.  I could see it now...  "Behold, as I take this rubberband, toothpick, and cow spit and create the world's smallest cold fusion reactor!"

...Okay, maybe not quite like that.  But I may be able to find a better fuel.  Or something.

...All I know is that computer science is becoming a little tiring.  It's just becoming boring for me.  I just want to know the syntax for everything and what it does and just go with it.  I can figure out how to put together lines of code on my own time...  So, yeah, I could end up switchin' majors altogether...

...I could even end up switching schools altogether and go for a Japanese major.  Don't expect it to happen, though, since my parents are really likin' this whole spend-about-$1000-a-semester business and going elsewhere, just in living costs alone, is over $1000 a semester.

Anyways, I guess I'll let you all move on with your lives.  It was a jolly good time seein' Graham, Amy, and Anna today.  Catch you all later.

Kinda reading a little bit over Ed's new book, Superheroes and Philosophy, I was reminded of a previous argument I once encountered with myself...

The idea that it is impossible to be truly selfless.  Basically, sure, you could do some good, save some kind of people from disaster, giving people basic needs, all that stuff.  But, deep down, you do it to please yourself.  Sure, there's no material gain, but there's all kind of personal gain, mainly feelings of confidence and/or happiness or other related feelings.

So, with that said, if that's all you want to do, then you've basically developed an obsession for doing good.  It is all that matters to you, you only derive pleasure from helping others.  Anything else you do is crap, essentially.

So, couldn't you essentially become addicted to doing good for everyone, while sacrificing something to gain a sense of comfort or accomplishment?  It could very well explain why the "typical American" relationship works, with the wife doing twice as much work as the husband, basically; the wife, while bent out of shape 24/7, feels compelled to get something done to make her husband's life easier, and the husband brings in the money and gives a lot of it to the wife, creating a symbiotic relationship of give-and-take: the wife giving everything about herself to her husband, the husband giving the wife access to everything financially-related.

And so, I really wonder if there is such a thing as a truly selfless act.  The only way you could be truly selfless would be to do something totally for someone else's benefit and not gain any kind of positivity out of the ordeal...  So, what would that be?  Perhaps bringing pleasure to your enemies with nothing gained in return.  I really don't know.  It almost seems as though apathy is key to truly selfless acting...

So, with that said, would slaves be those considered to act selflessly?  Well, I suppose not, since they're acting in favor of their superiors for the purpose to continue to live, even if it is to continue to serve them, assuming that the slavemaster is the only entity capable of caring for said slaves.

So, to truly act in a selfless manner, one must sacrifice something to perform an act for the benefit of one or more parties, not receive anything in return, and must be completely apathetic...  Y'know what that most closely sounds like?  Communism.

With that said, perhaps communism is the better form of society?

...I'll let you all think about that.

Thanks to the internet and Cameron, I now have a Japanese version of FF7: Advent Children downloaded and have viewed it twice in the last four days.  While it wasn't quite what I expected it to be, in terms of feel and storyline, it was very, very, very, very good.  I could put fifty more very's with thsoe, but I figure that'd bore you a little.

Advent Children really truly gives you a deeper understanding of Cloud's character.  And it has also helped me relate to Cloud.  Cloud and I really are kind of alike.  Our motives are similar in nature.  Our actions, our feelings...also alike.  Unfortunately, our strengths are not at all alike because, dern, I wish I could wield his sword with the greatest of ease and jump up top buildings and fly through the air like he does...  Now I just have to find a way of growing character-wise like he did to become better.

Instead of feeling like he did nothing to save Aeris (OMG SPOILERZ AERIS DIEZ!!!111!!), I have the feeling that I did nothing to make Marissa's life better here in comparison to McDaniel and got her stuck with a ridiculous job that she has finally quit; basically, I feel like I haven't been what I should be for her.  I want to bring happiness to her life, but I feel as though I've done nothing to do that.  It's beginning to get to the point that I don't know what I should do, that I don't know if I am right for her, that I don't know if I'm right period.

...There are times when I feel that I don't deserve to live.  There are times when I feel like I've done nothing but waste people's time.  There are times that I really wonder if it was worth removing my cancer as an infant.  These times have become more numerous recently.

Have I done my part?  Have I contributed something to someone?  Did I do enough?  These are questions I find I ask myself often.  Marissa says I've made her life better, but I can't help but think that I haven't done enough and that some other guy could do more for her; of course, I also couldn't think of Marissa being with a guy besides me in that I'm-supposed-to-belong-to-her sense.  I know whining about gets nothing done, but I am lost and can do nothing but whine about my lack of self.

...There's something that I must do to find the rest of myself.  First and foremost, that must happen before anything else can happen.  What is it I'm trying to find, I don't know, but I feel that there's an essential part of me that is missing and needs finding...

Currently Listening To: Falling Back by Darangen from vgmix.com

Well, I was going to see about going to one of the coolest concerts ever to hit Nashville, but all that's left are the expensive tickets... *cries*  All I have to say is that I've been pwned.

Aside from that, I've got my assembly language homework done, got started on my Discrete Structures homework due two weeks from two-days-ago Thursday, and few worries on my mind.

Thus, I'm here at Panera, chillin' and drinkin' my Jones' Naturals Berry White.  No, I'm not a paid supporter of Panera, I just like coming in here and sippin' on this stuff when it ain't 45 degrees in here.

...So, off I go in search of new video game music remixes.  w00t.

The DDR Day may or may not happen, depending on financial status and other matters, since I may end up going to Boston with Nate and Jamin for the weekend; I'll let you know.

My new group is up on thefacebook.com: Advocates for an MTSU DDR Club.  It's exactly what it sounds like.  And hopefully something good will come of it.

Anyways, off to finish speech work.  Enjoy yourselves.